May Musings

Talking new intentions and mental health

Yesterday signified the start of a new month, filled with potential and possibilities. The weather hasn’t quite gotten the memo that we’re in spring; we’ve seemed to have jumped into summer with temperatures teetering in the high 90s, but I’m holding onto hope we’ll dip down soon into more comfortable (and fitting) numbers.

With this new month, I wanted to set new intentions. It’s almost ironic that the day of the first new moon in May is also the day I’ll take control of my mental health via doctor appointment. Tears well in my eyes as I write this, knowing all the self-awareness and time it took to get here, and oh my, it was not easy.

I’ve struggled with anxiety all my life, but it’s gotten to the point where it’s crippling. Leaving the house is hard; I dread social interactions and constantly hold myself back out of fear.

In my mind, I feel like I have lived so much, only to not have it translate into reality. I daydream about painting, drawing, writing an abundance of poetry and books, taking on more work…and yet being so paralyzed I can’t motivate myself to do those things. It’s soul-crushing when something beyond your understanding makes you feel a certain way every day.

I call it anxiety, but it could be a different name. This week is when I’ll find out. It’s both nerve-wracking and, in an odd way, exciting. I crave answers, I want them, but I’m scared of what they’ll reveal. If they’ll change my perception of everything.

Luckily I don’t have to go through this alone; my mom (whose seen me at my best and very worst) will be right by my side. I can’t imagine a better support system than her, all the cats, my dog, and my friends. And, of course, those reading this, as I’m thankful you allow me this space to be candid.

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My intentions for this month are to be gentle with myself. Navigating the complexities of mental health often brings about self-blame, but I refuse to fall into that rabbit hole. I think no matter what road I would’ve taken, they would’ve all led here. Now I choose to focus on the path toward healing, to find the light within this darkness.

And because I love a good mood board, I made one to reflect those intentions.

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If you relate to this, know it’s okay to take time to wander through your own mental health journey. That (nor this essay) is in no way medical advice; instead, a friendly reminder that deciding to seek help didn’t happen overnight for me. I don’t have any regrets, I don’t wish I’d done this sooner. Self-awareness is a powerful tool that sometimes takes time to tap into.

Whenever you make that decision, trust yourself that you’re making the right one.

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